These last three to fours years have not been what I had hoped for in my personal and or professional life.  My marriage has been plagued with infidelity, lies and humiliation.  My father died shortly before my 50th birthday and I feel professionally things have gotten a little off track.

Dealing with marital issues (especially when you didn’t know you had any) can always be tough to overcome.  I have been angry for two years and I couldn’t shake my anger.  Everytime my husband said hi to me, I would blow up. I became increasingly paranoid, sad and depressed.  I couldn’t think, eat or even grow my business the way I wanted to.  One day, I just couldn’t take it no more and I had a mini nervous breakdown on my living room floor. It was all too much and I just had to give it all to God.  I thought I had but at that moment, I knew I was trying to “fix” it my own way and obviously that wasn’t working. I needed that inner peace.  So I prayed. I prayed. I prayed. I prayed so much in one one week, than I think I had in my entire life.  (Maybe not but it felt like it.)  About a month before the new year, God spoke to me.  He showed me my happy place and told me it was about time to love me, live for me and take care of me.

My son was accepted into UC Berkeley and he left for school in August 2018.  So my very much needed selfishness at this time definitely sat right in my spirit.  I decided to buy a planner.  Not just any planner, but a Happy Planner. I looked for stickers, accessories and anything that was going to take me to a place of happy.  That is when I began to get creative.  I wanted to take things further and get more into crafting.  I bought glitter, rhinestones, more stickers, latch hook kit and even paint.  All of this has brought me inner peace.  It helps me when I feel anxious or uneasy. I have designed my loft so that my desks are used for only my crafting and my studying.  (I am also a full time student).  I designed my own happy place.

The problems in my marriage also caused me to spend unnecessarily and stupidly. I depleted my savings and bought things I didn’t need or spent money on wasteful stuff.  At the time, I was trying to distract from the foolishness that was going on in my marriage.  When the new year rolled around, I came up with a plan to help me save and rebuild.  I have started doing that and every two weeks when I receive my paycheck, I transfer that money directly to my savings account. I live within in my means and it feels so good to see my savings account growing again.

My professional life began to suffer because I know longer had the desire to market my payroll/bookkeeping business to get more clients. I didn’t want to put in the work anymore.  Working for myself became lonely and I feel I was really isolating myself from the world. I began applying for jobs and I found a really good job working in accounting. After a month, I was promoted to HR Manager and I received a really nice increase in pay. God is good!

Meditation is always something I wanted to try and I know getting involved in Yoga will also give me that peace in my life and help my spirit to heal and grow.  All the pain and heartache that my husband caused me in the short time that was have been married almost broke me. Or maybe it did break me, but I learned that through self love and self care, you can rebuild yourself and become a better you.

I don’t know what God’s plan is for my marriage but I know what God’s plan is for me at this point in my life.  Moving forward in my 50’s, continuing my education, working a job I really do like, meeting people and learning new things, is what it is all about.  I can only continue to pray that God continues to heal my heart and keep me focused on this beautiful new journey that I am on.  He is an awesome God and I am so thankful everyday that he sees the best in me!